So, I’ve started a new job as a manager, and I will just say I have a lot more respect for just about all the managers I’ve ever had in my life. The vast majority of them made it look so easy. I have always looked up to those people, but now I’m realizing just how much confidence in yourself you have to have. I hope I’m doing a good job looking confident and competent.  Sometimes it’s a little overwhelming, because there is so much more to do than there was in my old job role. Day-to-day operations management, completing audits, all that stuff is nothing in comparison to Personnel management, and I’m only really managing 3-5 people! I am so happy to have this experience right out of college, and it certainly is a great growth opportunity.

If any of you have advice or similar experience, share! It’s lonely at the top (even if there are only three people below you). 

Nourishing the Whole Self

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to nourish myself. I’ve been finding myself exhausted after work and getting into cycles of boredom, depression, and apathy. But I want to be awake to live my life outside of work. There is a whole lot to appreciate and not a whole lot of a time to live. I don’t believe in god, a supernatural, a collective human soul….or anything like that, but I’m still a person with emotions and mental health to take care of. It’s like I hit some type of disconnect with my atheism.  I forgot that even though I’m not partaking in nourishment through religion, I still need to take care of my whole self.  When I was a Christian, I believed I had to work to improve my relationship with god. I would pray more, read my bible, go to bible studies, go to church and all that stuff.  It never satisfied me, because none of that was real. But I was spending time thinking, reflecting, and even laughing. Now I’m trying to take some of those aspects and aggressively make them apart of my life. 

One key element I’ve found to nourishing myself is staying mentally active. Sometimes it’s so easy for me to just park on the couch after work and watch a Castle marathon for several days in a row, but the easy way is not always the best way. It’s been surprising what I’ve found when by tuning into my mental activity levels. I find that even if I’m exhausted, it helps me feel relaxed. It helps me channel my stress, let go of worries that don’t serve me, and connect better with those I’m close to. I’ve also realized it doesn’t have to be a daunting task to keep me mentally active. Reading comic books, having a good conversation, and playing certain video games are all good for keeping my mind moving. I’ve also realized pretty much everything I had on my iPhone (games, apps, Facebook) were poison for me and added nothing of value to my life (except Google maps, I’m always lost). 

I’m also trying to take care of my body. Getting sleep, eating right, drinking lots of water, and exercising regularly are all helping me nourish myself. I am a very moderate person. I don’t diet, I don’t restrict myself foods, and I don’t stick to a strict gym routine. I try to go to the park a few times a week, eat my fruits and veggies, but I still like to enjoy a doughnut now and again :)

As far as nourishing the spirit goes, I’m just trying to take some deep breaths, be kind to myself, and let go of stressing about things I don’t need to. I’m leaving work at work, and taking time to enjoy me and those I love.

m.c.

Goodbye, friend.

I’m 22 years old, and up to this point, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid the death of any close friends or family.

Sadly, in November we got a call at 8:00 in the morning asking us if we’d seen Andrew*. It was Andrew’s work saying he didn’t come, and people were looking for him. I knew he was gone. I knew from the second my fiance Patrick answered phone that Andrew had killed himself.  He was 23.

We had just seen him! We had just asked him to be the best man in our wedding. He said, “I would be honored to be your best man, Patrick.” Now, we know what that meant.

I went to work, barely able to hold myself together, trying to convince myself he was just holed up somewhere hiding from the world. Finally, Patrick called and told me to come home. They found the note. His manifesto.

But they didn’t find the body. They carried out an exhaustive search, they used dogs, pulled surveillance footage, everything. The day he went missing was cold and rainy and right before winter.  He had wiped his hard drive, cleaned his apartment, and fed his cat. It was like we’d never find him.

Needless to say, it was a long, cold, hard winter.

Just last month though, it started warming up and everything was thawing out, and they found the body. He shot himself.

I miss him so much. He was my fiance’s best friend, just as close as a brother. He became family to me, and the sad thing is I never realized how much he meant to me until he was gone. The world lost something amazing that day. Andrew was an amazing human being. I can’t even imagine what he was going through and the pain and agony he had. There were so many people who would have done anything for him, and I wish he could have accepted that help and love. I constantly wonder what his last day was like, what he was feeling, why he did it…what his last thoughts were. We all miss him, but at least we can finally put him to rest this weekend.

I hope he felt peace before he died.

Sooo…it’s been a while

It’s been a long time since I’ve written on this blog! I miss it. 

I’m still an atheist and super happy, though I have my struggles like everyone. I never ever feel the need to “find god” or fill any type of whole in my heart. Pretty soon I’ll tell a story about a really uncomfortable lunch I had with some Christians the other day. I would normally call them super-christians, but since I’ve gotten into comic books, I fell that that term gives them too much respect and awesomeness. I’m a super-atheist and they’re just christians. 

Today was free comic book day, which was awesome. It’s also derby day. I don’t care about that, but I did have a delicious mint julep. 

I’m getting married in 6 weeks!

-M.C. 

“Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. There are ends we don’t desire, but they’re inevitable, we have to face them. It’s what being human is all about.” Cowboy Bebop

I don’t share this side of me too much, but I will today. If I had to describe my past few months, it would be spiraling. Spiraling in and out of depression, in and out of extreme bouts of anxiety, and in and out of anger.

It’s really confusing to have a great life and feel sad. It’s really confusing to be screaming at the top of your lungs at the person you love, and not remembering what you were screaming about a few minutes later.

It gets better, and it get worse. But it’ll get better.

 

Nerdin’ Out

Happy Saturday! I don’t worship a god anymore, but the next closest thing is my worship of Saturday’s. I just love them so much! 

This morning, we went to the local “comicon”! I have never been to a comic convention before, but I had an absolute blast! I’m not too much of a comic book person, but I do enjoy web-comics here and there.  I also am a big fan of art, and it was awesome seeing all the talented artists there as well. Of course, the was a lot of good people watching, possibly my favorite part. I really love being around people who are passionate about something, no matter what it may be! I just love seeing people when they are their most honest and genuine. No matter how disinterested in a subject I am, I always have so much respect for someone with a real passion and love to hear about it. 

if you do like art/comics/graphic novels/steam-punk/awesomeness, you should check these guys out:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1967813561/the-cowboy-and-the-goliath-book-2?ref=home_location

http://blackrosecomic.com/

What did you do this saturday?

Culture Shock Level: HIGH!

Over the summer, I started working at a non-profit women’s health center. I work in the family planning clinic with a lot of low-income women with medicaid or no insurance.  My coworkers are from totally different socio-economic backgrounds than me, and it has eye-opening for sure. Like anything, I’ve became used to it and for a while, life went on seemingly normal.

Now I’m back to working three days a week and school two days a week.  Boy-o-boy is adjusting back to a Catholic University more difficult than I expected!! Fist and foremost, they really dislike abortion. In fact, the sidewalk I’m sitting near is covered with chalked pro-life statements. I can make out “we love babies!” from here. I work at a clinic that provides abortions, so that’s a fun conversation topic…

But beyond that, everything seems shocking. The country club/resort style people dress in, the prim and properness, the way people speak and greet each other,  the fact that every activity is a social activity, being around 4,000 students who have so little responsibility but feel like they have the most in the entire world, and the privileged attitude and way they talk about people who are poor.

I’m not so naive as to think that every person’s individuality should be praised and gently stroked at every moment, but I am so sick of hearing rich white students say they want to “work” with the poor or “at-risk youth.” What do they think “working” with them entails? They never have an answer. I think they just want to give them pep-talks so they can pull themselves up and get out of their crummy situation!

The Kroger nearest to our university does’t have a Starbucks in it, so it’s called the “Kro-ghetto.” It frustrates me, because every day at work I call that Kroger pharmacy for our patients who are great people, who care about their family and are PEOPLE. Not these scary, angry, and dangerous people the students at my school seem to think they are.

I could go on and on about how students have such twisted notions of what it means to have medicaid, or food stamps, or live in low-income housing. It bothers me that they talk about them like a single entity with no personality. That they don’t seem to think they make decisions for themselves. When they see low-income housing they feel afraid or think it’s ugly or that the people who live there don’t care or are lazy or whatever one of many notions I’ve heard.

And I mean, can I blame them? Yeah, they shouldn’t have this baseline fear of black people at the grocery store, but I grew up in a well-off family and I didn’t know much about low-income living. I didn’t put faces or personalities with medicaid or food stamps. More so than placing blame, I’m really just reflection on the culture shock from being between such extremes.

As a tangent, one of my first observations coming back to school was that college students should learn to speak more intelligently. I talk with some borderline illiterate people and they do not sound as bad as the college student who’s every other word is one of “stupid, bro, dude, like, oh my god, yeah, douch, or ‘sup.” Earlier today I heard a girl say “What’s the deal with this fucking respect thing?” I just didn’t think it sounded like a thing a well adjusted person would say, but that’s just me.

And for the record, I do realize I’m making vast generalizations about people while I complain about people making vast generalizations. So, a hypocrite I am.

It’s been a rant, thanks for coming along,

Stay adorable, M.C.

I’m in Alaska!

I keep trying to blog more, but gah! Life gets so busy. Anyway, Patrick and I are visiting his parents in Juneau, Alaska this week. I thought I would share a picture I snapped shortly after getting of the plane. I hope life finds you all well.

20130815-083852.jpg

Happy Fourth Of July!

American or not, I hope everyone has a very wonderful day this fourth of July! Summer is flying by here!!! I’m so thankful to have a full time job that I enjoy. It is so comforting to know that in less than a year when I am graduating college and getting married, (whaat?!?!!) I’ll have a well paying job. It’s not my forever job, but it is a great situation to be in. (Assuming nothing drastic happens…considering I work at a highly controversial organization).   

Just a quick post to say hi :-) My day off so far has consisted of buffalo wild wings, my first shower beer, and animal crossing on our new 3DS. Pretty successful, I’d say. 

stay adorable. Also, I’m having a lemon craving, so everyone should eat something lemon today for me. Unless you don’t like lemons, I don’t want anyone to be unhappy. 

:-) M.C. 

A Very Atheist Wedding

Lately, my mind has been on wedding wedding wedding! We’ve been engaged for a year, but because I’ve been travelling, we haven’t done much planning (except for my momentary panic attack in which I got an elopement in Vegas half way planned…) Now that things have settled down, we are planning a nice, quaint, relaxed, fun, and special day (totally god free!).

I am really trying to avoid a lot of the wedding consumerism and culture. I hate so much of the etiquette and expectations that come along with it. Looking for venues and finding about things like “cake cutting fees” is just absurd to me. That being said…I do find myself getting so excited about finding a beautiful venue and wedding dress shopping. On Thursday we’re going to tour a historic mansion as a possible venue!! I’ve been thinking about it so much. I’m really trying to enjoy the process and not become stressed out about it. No reason to!

Around here, people have definitely been shocked when they find out I’m not getting married in a Catholic church and having the reception at a country club. Even some people who know I’m atheist thing I should be getting married in a church. Our wedding is going to have a lot of personality. I like that I don’t have to confine it to the rules of a religion. I took a theology course last semester that had a segment on marriage. The professor was extremely opposed to any part of a ceremony that deviates from the catholic instructions. The articles I had to read were so insanely judgmental! It drove me nuts that the focus of the wedding was not on the unique and special relationship between the couple and their decision to devote their lives to each other. As an aside, why would I worship a god who had some problem with me writing my own vows or playing meaningful music at my wedding? I realize that not all religions/people feel that way– but my issues with the varieties of “god” is another issue.

In conclusion, my feelings are this: People can get married however they damn well please. I’m just thankful for the flexible and fun wedding Patrick and I are planning. Also, pre-marriage counseling sounds so awful to me, so yay for dodging that bullet!

stay adorable, M.C.