Goodbye, friend.

I’m 22 years old, and up to this point, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid the death of any close friends or family.

Sadly, in November we got a call at 8:00 in the morning asking us if we’d seen Andrew*. It was Andrew’s work saying he didn’t come, and people were looking for him. I knew he was gone. I knew from the second my fiance Patrick answered phone that Andrew had killed himself.  He was 23.

We had just seen him! We had just asked him to be the best man in our wedding. He said, “I would be honored to be your best man, Patrick.” Now, we know what that meant.

I went to work, barely able to hold myself together, trying to convince myself he was just holed up somewhere hiding from the world. Finally, Patrick called and told me to come home. They found the note. His manifesto.

But they didn’t find the body. They carried out an exhaustive search, they used dogs, pulled surveillance footage, everything. The day he went missing was cold and rainy and right before winter.  He had wiped his hard drive, cleaned his apartment, and fed his cat. It was like we’d never find him.

Needless to say, it was a long, cold, hard winter.

Just last month though, it started warming up and everything was thawing out, and they found the body. He shot himself.

I miss him so much. He was my fiance’s best friend, just as close as a brother. He became family to me, and the sad thing is I never realized how much he meant to me until he was gone. The world lost something amazing that day. Andrew was an amazing human being. I can’t even imagine what he was going through and the pain and agony he had. There were so many people who would have done anything for him, and I wish he could have accepted that help and love. I constantly wonder what his last day was like, what he was feeling, why he did it…what his last thoughts were. We all miss him, but at least we can finally put him to rest this weekend.

I hope he felt peace before he died.


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